Fuck · What · They · All · Said...

About two years ago,
was the downfall of my life. I was hopelessly in love with Ryan Andrew Schmidt. The best friend I've ever had and probably ever will have was Jennifer Fay Cain and I was additionally in love with her. I'd begin my hard core fuck ups in school, and by fuck ups I mean not showing up at all any more. I've gotten permission to drive to school and instead I would drive to Ryan's house, because I was so sure on getting him to school, rather myself, so he wouldn't have to go back to DJJ.
I was a regular at La Bambas. The group would be going every Saturday. I was the talk of the school with Jennifer and new everybody. We were pretty awesome.
I would probably be awake, just like I am now, passing by my bus stop like I always do, wave to them, and continue to John King to pick Jennifer up to take her to school [at the time I was only fifteen of course] drop her off, and go to see Ryan, because in 21 days he would be leaving to the place I presently reside in now.
How I fucking loved Taking Back Sunday and Brand New, how those albums were the epitomy of my life right then and there. God I thrived on Emo back then.
I loved my life then, but little did I know that this year, my sophomore year at Crestview High School would lead to the biggest turn around in my life. I didn't care, though. I was in love, I loved him so much, never did I once thought I would think otherwise over that boy. It tightens my throat every time I think about it.
My enemy was Timothy Allen Smith, and to this day it remains the same.
Ezairis Nieves, Sarah Phillips, Dareen Mohamad, Victoria Murray, Catherine Hooker, Jennifer Cain, Jessyka Cain, Aaron Nelson, Ryan Schmidt, Devin Blado; they were everything that completely compiled my life. Everything was left smeared with the alcohol and parties. The friends and drinking. The boxing and sneaking out. The fights and cries. I loved it. I loved all those dramatic moments. They're almost orgasmic. Everything was so dramatic, my senses danced this year, everything was so distict, my senses were so heightened I swear I could have been rolling the whole time in 2005.
What made me think of this?
Not only because in 25 days marks the anniversary of the day my heart left, when everything that could possibly happen that was bad, in fact, did. Not because I saw that fool a couple of days ago. Not because I went to Jennifer's privated myspace to check up on her. But because before dawn, I looked up into the depth of the stars, and saw the spot.
I no longer talk to any of those people mentioned above anymore actually. It hurts my body thinking about it.
I'm pissed off because everything that could possibly let me down, did. My friends of whom I don't talk to anymore, my family, my peers, my school, the system, the education, the facts, the love, everything, every-single-fucking-thing, including myself, has been a huge let down.
I stopped talking to my best friend. She's dating some horrific girl. I chose not to talk to her for my own well being. My own well being?! What well being?! It feels like I'm being forced into this tighter hole, suffocating. I miss her. And I'm fucking stubborn. And I can't deal with it. What in the world's wrong with me.
The love of my life doesn't even acknowledge me anymore. We don't speak anything but two words everytime we see eachother. There's a void. And I'm left to constantly wonder if he ever even thinks about everything that has happened between us, I crave to know, and if he doesn't, how he doesn't. About all the nights in his fucking room, in my fucking room, my car, the closet, his moms room, his living room couch. Those moments. Those irreputible moments. It's disgusting to how far my mind wanders, how I still bite my lip thinking about it, and how I still get fucking hot about it. I wonder if he knows that everytime I look up the first constellation I see, even though it's one of the smallest, is the little dipper, I know because you told me it's so easy to find because all you've really gotta do is look straight up.
I don't talk to or even want to talk to my friends back then. But I still miss them, but I don't think I can ever face them and forgive myself from ripping myself from them.

I feel so pathetic. And so disgusting. That, you know, I'm like this, I'm still like this after 2 years, that I'm still dwelling on it even though I've completely disassociated myself with it.

But I constantly miss it all. I miss it all. It all plays back in my head all the time. Especially when I sleep. Sleep.

I've been long due for a livejournal entry I guess. It's been a little over two months. I'm listening to The Spill Canvas- Bracelets. I'm back living in this piece of shit house for the time being.
I went being homeless, living in my car, eating subway every night, smoking cigarettes at the beach, roughing it, not showering for days, for about a week and a half, and gave up, because, well, not showering is not my thing. Haha. Good reason. But it's true. I couldn't stand being fucking dirty as fuck. I could peel off a layer of dirt from my forehead about an inch thick. Only perk for being homeless for a week was getting tan as fuck, from being under nothing but the sun all day, every day, until I went to work. I've managed to spend 350 dollars out of my bank account within that week and a half. Being homeless is fucking expensive, especially if all you have to do is drive when you're bored, because you don't know butt fuck no one.


That's a picture of me, if you're wondering what I look like now, took that picture while I was typing up this journal entry. Mhmm. I'm in this gay half ass room right now... with only a bed in it. I might as well be homeless.

I got real close with this girl named Reggie. She's nice. Homeless, too. So we had something in common that we talked about often. Haha. She went crazy, though. Weird she is.

Started chillin with this guy named Josh Long. He's bad news. But cool, though. Fun as fuck to chill with, but, he never really knows when to stop messin around. &plus, the dude's hot. Not hot as in good lookin, but bad with police. Constantly under their radar along with Ryan, Brian Kidd, and Dre. And he's a habitual/pathological liar.

Come to find out, Dre, one of Ryan's best friends, has been breaking into houses, finally got caught, and sent to jail. I have a feeling both Ryan and Brian are in on it somehow. I wouldn't be surprised. I've been talking to Stevo, who's apart of the SBPD [Satellite Beach Police Department], and he said they have been especially been watching the two.

Both of them got kicked out the same day I moved back in, which kind of looks bad, on my part, because I was constantly bitching about how I didn't wanna live there to Mae Mae and them because of all the bullshit commotion going on around the house because of Ryan and Brian, and well, they get booted, and I move in. Wasn't my fault, though. Coincidence. They got kicked out because Dre got caught over at the house. Why Miss Simmone Myers Schmidt doesn't like good ol' Adrian Moo? That's a whole different story.

Adrian used to come over all the damn time. Used to never come home. Mae Mae liked him then, he reminded her of A*ron a little bit. She always thought he was good guy, a positive influence for Ryan, always picking shit up after himself, motivating Ryan to go to school, mowing the lawn for them, blah blah blah, you know sucking up. Boy, was she completely snowballed.

After a while, Mae Mae got annoyed. Later on, he was blamed for breaking into houses, then she started finding out from other people that Adrian was never a goodie-goodie, that he's been smoking pot since practically 10. Then he got arrested the first time, his dad went over to her house, started threatening her and her son's life, and since then, she hasn't wanted him over. Ryan kept sneaking him over anyway, and she caught him twice in a row, within two days, had enough, and kicked both Brian and Ryan out.

Anyway- other than that, both Matthew & Sebastian are in town. They're annoying.
Enough of that.

I've been thinking about moving in with this girl named Jamie. She's nice. Blonde. Big ol titties. I think I kind of like her.



... I got a 400 dollar check for a week worth of work?

I gotta go.
Peace.
Kbye.

I’m on the move again.
I’m typing away on the computer, listening to the loud tremors caused by the traction of the tires greeting the asphalt, wondering what the guides of these wheels are thinking, wondering only because soon that’s going to be me again driving into eight hours of white dashed lines and a black trail. I’m also listening to Lauryn Hill on my iTunes player. It’s a little bit muffled, because of the Bluetooth in my ear. I’m waiting to confirm a call with Simmone, hoping she’s going to agree. &it’s chilly.
I didn’t do anything today. Woke up around noon, and called back some numbers on my voice mail because my phone died while I was asleep.
Soon is the time to be repeating the process of making amends, but, I feel a need to be lazy. I’m tired of forking out effort; I’ll just let the people I’m feuding with to talk to me.
I wonder what’s going on in my mother and father’s minds about everything. I hope they don’t think they failed as parents. They raised a healthy boy, making a lot of questions and trying to find the answers.
Again, I began to wonder about how people thought about things, again pertaining to child birth, pregnancy, moving out & away from their parents. They don’t take these things in life [and life in general] with any sort of severity. Is nothing lucid with them? Then again, that could be their best, yet faulty, thing about them.

Dance In My Thoughts.

Can’t break me down, bury me, bury me, I am finished with you.
Damn I’m sick, I feel horrible. Weather changes & traveling sucks asshole. I haven’t been sick in a while so it can’t be all that bad.
I’m missing Crestview still, but it isn’t nearly half as bad as it used to be. I still haven’t made any friends here, they don’t compare to Crestview at all. I met a girl though, at about 1 in the morning, at a seven eleven when I was getting something to drink since we don’t got shit over here to drink nor eat. She worked at this bar called Goombay’s, but you have to be 21+ to get in, she invited me to come see her one night she worked. Too bad for me being 16.
So I’m back in Satellite Beach, after the hella vacation in Sumter, South Carolina. Why the world was I thinking that Ryan and I was going to start hanging out hardcore when we got back to Satellite. Shesh. It’s just back to the same old, same old in the bullshit town. Going back and forth from school to home, eating, sleeping, and watching TV. Not talking to Randy, Mae Mae complaining about everyone in the house, Ryan never being home, out with this Sean character who is supposedly running from the law. Ah. Depressing.
Hanging out with Ryan for a weekend straight, consecutively was fun. It was real fun. Made me think a lot, and miss it, and miss him.
I need to hurry up and get a damn job, so I can at LEAST have money to not only buy cigarettes, have gas, and eat, but so I have money to come to fuckin Crestview. Jesus Christ, it’s only been a couple of weeks since I’ve been to Crestview and I’m already drooling about it again.
Hmm… Well at least I’m going to be able to be on the internet a lot more by tomorrow. I’m getting the internet! And now that I have a house phone I’m gunna be able to keep contact with most of my friends.

I've been in South Carolina for the past 2 days, going on three, and for this stay this is the first time I'm actually staying in where I'm supposed to be for the night.
I've gone against morality, emotion, and mentality. I've numbed myself for this fucking stay.
Both days was in complete dedication to Ryan, Beer, and Pot. Yeah pot. I smoked pot. I went against all of what I've said, all that I believed in, and even went against knowing that I hate the feeling I get when I'm high, even if it was just a couple of hits.
I walked all through Ryan's old house, measured his friends, and thought about past, which was all a lie.
I walked into the room where Ryan talked on the phone with me all those fucking nights, I looked at the roof he sat on, I thought and fucking thought. I hung out with Dion, Cruz, Jake, Derrel, everyone he used to always hang out with, promising that these people weren't bad, when on the side a kid named Dion was corrupting this little girl, this little 12 year old girl, this girl was licking an ID card just because there was coke left on it dragging out constantly, "Anybody wanna snort coke? Anybody got yayo?" This thirty something mom, was hanging out with a couple of sixteen year olds, drinking beer, smoking pot, and mixing pills into this whole mess, when the next day she had to go to this 7 year old's birthday party, and had three of her children between the ages of 6-9 were sleeping in her house. Jake, a seventeen year old on a school night was drinking till he was passed out on the couch after drinking Bud and OE but just minutes before talking about knocking the shit out of some Bloods or Crypts, and watching Ryan along with his "close friends" [[the drug addicted bullshit mom, the Bloods' knock out, the black man talking about BS dreams of becoming a military officer, and a condoner to the support of 12 year olds doing yayo]], toked at least a half of mid and reggie in the back of the mom's van sailing the night away.
& God I was chillin back and I was absorbing this ridiculous reality with a beer of bud lite in one hand and a bowl in the other with a recorder in my mind replaying a conversation Ryan had with me while he was living here... saying "Nah, I don't smoke pot over here, I never do, I quit it, remember?" And slowly but surely letting the night slip away from my hands and passing out on the couch along with Mr. Jake, and waking up two hours later to take Cruz's kid's to the damn birthday party.

God I need something awful, ya know?
So now I'm here. Wondering what I should do next, you know? Wondering if I should keep at this whole "let loose" thing while I'm still here. No. I think not, it's just not me. Or maybe it is? We'll see tomorrow.

I finally slept, a whole eight hours, since I've been here.
I'll update more later on, maybe tomorrow, maybe not.

So I’m wrecked, just got done crying with Mae Mae while listening to Plain White Tees, wondering why Jessyka isn’t here, why Randy so stupid, and why Ryan isn’t, well, Ryan anymore. I just want Jessyka to be here to make me happy and be happy with Randy, I wish Randy would get over his fuckin self, and I want Ryan to fuckin listen to And Then I Turned Seven, Plain White Tees, Hawthorne Heights, The Early November, Silverstein, Edwin McCain, something and tell me that he hasn’t changed what so ever, and is proud of what he used to be, to fuckin call Jennifer and sing her a song the way he used to, and look me in the face and tell me he doesn’t fuckin think about what the fuck we used to be.
It made me so sad listening to Mae Mae talk about Ryan the way she does, and me being so damn surprised on how she still holds her heart out for him after all the bullshit he pulls on a daily basis. I honestly, before I know her, thought she had it out for her son. I thought she wanted to bring his ass down and sent him away… but after watching the way she reacts when she even mentions giving him up to the state, her heart jumps to her throat. I guess I will never understand the nature of a mother for her children. Hah. Wish I had that kind of dedication to someone.
Jessyka called me last night. Talked to her for 2 hours exactly. She kept rambling on about Randy. You know, same old shit, different way of putting it. Sometimes I wish she’d hurry up and make a decision to either act on it or move on, same with Randy.
I have a horrible headache. God Damn, I sat there for about 10 minutes after writing that, trying to figure out what the hell to fuckin write about and I came up with nothing to shit, so I supposed instead I’m just going to write out of my ass.
I didn’t do much today except for lounge around. Our plumbing was fucked up so Mae Mae called a plumber guy to come and fix it, so now everything drains perfectly fine. It makes me happy. I finally get to shower without being completely flooded in the tub. Haha. Then Steve, Jess, Mae Mae, and I went out to have dinner at Boston Market, it really sucked, I lied to them though, telling them it was alright because I don’t want them to think that I didn’t appreciate the meal and whatever. When we got back, Mae Mae was playing on her computer and we started listening to music reminiscing Crestview. It was nice. She misses Crestview, I know she does. We started talking about Ryan, comparing him from Crestview to now, talked about favorite bands, good music, and such. For some reason I don’t really remember but of the whole conversation but it somehow lasted for about two hours or so.
Now her and I are just chilling in the living room, she right beside me reading, studying, and stuff, while I click away with my feet propped up on the table. It’s quiet.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do tomorrow. I’m not sure what I’m gunna do for the rest of the damn five hours that I’m going to be up. Prolly get annoyed as shit with Randy.
Yup, the good times with Randy is now over. I’m starting to get annoyed with him now. He’s way too full of himself and cocky, it gets on my nerves a lot, but I try not to say anything, you know, because he’s one of the only people kind of my age that I socialize with. I think it might be because I spend way too much time with him, considering that I see him when I wake up, when I go to sleep, and when I’m at the house, which is about 90% of my life in Satellite Beach. Sheesh.
I decided that after I get three of my credits in Adult Ed, I want to go back to regular High School and try to get into dual enrollment. It’s not going to be easy, it’s gunna take some bull shit sweat to accomplish, especially because of my record, but god, it’d be so much better for me. Hopefully God’ll give me some slack and give me great opportunities. Hah.